It's mostly for my own sake that I decide to make updates on this blog. I draw very infrequently nowadays since this new phase of my life doesn't appear to need as much constant maintenence through self expression. (At least not via illustration anyway) In a way, I will say my art has grown entirely stagnant. The last two years have been just revision on revision of what is essentially a self-portrait. Nothing else seems to matter beyond that firm establishment of who I am. It's almost like I can't believe that it has suddenly become this easy to express myself in every other arena that I simply need to confirm that- in fact- there's nothing more this medium of art can do for me. Moving on from this- finding where to go from what feels like the top of this mountain- is and will be a challenge basically forever, I imagine.

I drew this girl as a design for a game project I kicked around where her and a brother character go around an island collecting pieces of a poem to recite before a giant egg to open it up (If youve ever played Link's Awakening, this should sound familiar.) It was initially meant to dive into some deep territory about codependence and identity change in the face of an already established strong relationship, but I really just worked it out as I was developing the idea. When I say "worked it out" I mean that I just sort of processed whatever hurt or lack had been causing me to think about this abstract work in the first place. This is pretty much the common link for all of my personal projects lately. With no purpose other than to express a personal pain, my new method of processing seems to quickly iron these feelings out before I can even get them to paper to make something creative about the expression. Once the feelings ironed out, moving forward with the project feels extremely unimportant and unneccesary. I sometimes wonder if there's a better way to condense my strong feelings to create something that can help others, but I don't know if I am designed to create work in this manner, and that I should probably just be doing what works for me and realizing in talking about my personal issues in a dialogue with people i know and trust, I am probably doing the healthiest thing with my feelings that I possibly can. Who knows? -Ash

I found that my time designing a character that represents me was entirely too difficult growing up. How many filters I had to make so that I didn't feel I was projecting a side of myself that was easily identifyable really held me back from knowing myself or something. I've gotten a lot better at it, and I can definitely look at myself with a more honest lens than I ever could before. -Ash

What I can say happened when I made the choice to own my identity was nothing short of a miracle that not only made assessing my own feelings much easier and more streamlined, but also produced lifestyle changes which stuck with ease. Suddenly the discipline needed to eat right and take care of myself didnt feel that difficult to do. It was non-compulsory to want to work on myself and care for myself. The tragedy of this epiphany is to know that for years prior to this moment, I had not loved or even cared about myself remotely enough to justify such an alien concept as looking after my body or mind. There's new anxieties of course, but those are actionable. I have the strength to bear them now that I know that no matter what I have my self-worth.

On a less serious note, I have been trying to expand my horizons to get over a massive art block and I think an important part of that is hearing creative voices different from yours. This allows me to assess if I possess something worth making as not just a personal silly drawing to laugh at myself, but a more concerted effort to present my worldview to others who may wish to know more about something in my particulars. It is a pleasant feeling to have that fire stoked after years of becoming more apathetic with showing my work off. -Ash

I can't promise this will be a regular update but I figure it might be fun to journal a little about the last year or so. Since coming into a new identity I have found the pursuit of art to neccesitate a new approach. The roaring of a creative voice demanding I produce my work that unconsciously cries out "I AM A GIRL" has gone understandably silent since I have asserted that to myself much to the benefit of my mental and physical health. Long term projects have seemed kind of hard to approach and I honestly lack the need to make them. As such, I am experimenting with writing in a manner most candid. The pictures I'll be posting to accompany these will be mildly appropriate of what I'm writing about but they were drawn in no such order. Think of it as a backlog of shitposts. Well for you reading this, avid internet archeologist no doubt finding this 20 years later- it's nice to see you! -Ash

It has not been what I would call a 'smooth' ride for the past few months- but I'd like to believe some personal glimmers of light in my life have made this a very nice year so far. I know this is not something many people can agree with- but trust me, ok? Anyway, I felt a compulsion to post something today, and this felt like the thing to post. I don't really have any plans to finish The Dandelion Patch, but I hover on the idea of what I do with the characters. Are there just ideas that swirl in our head that will never get their proper representation? I really am not sure! This was sort of a design test for a restart to the comic I considered, but this was about as far as I got.

Oops, I meant to update this as inktober went, but I never had the time to write a little thing on this blog for it every time so I decided I'd just be putting it up whenever I got a chance. Day 1 was the naive beginning of a story where I thought I would livestream myself drawing a digital drawing without using layers or undo. Guess how many days I did this for?

I'm not sure why I do this. 15 pages into a chapter of Dandepatch and I feel myself starting to get sick of posting anywhere. The drawing is never an issue, though.

I tend to employ a simple and easy inking style when I draw "The Dandelion Patch," so when I do a warm up, I've been trying to push both my inking technique and my expressions, both in faces and bodies. She may look a bit familiar right now...but we haven't exactly met this one quite yet.

"The Dandelion Patch" has its own style to draw from, but as it is a story about perspectives and visions, it is important to use different ways of depicting a character's memories in order to give it their personal touch. Before I start working on a segment that uses a particular character's viewpoint, I make sure to do a quick 'style check' to give me a quick sample of what I'm going to have to do to finish a page. I found this one of Rachel in the comic folder and thought it was a nice little portrait. Hope you don't mind the cropped edge.

HES IN

Whenever I draw Katrina, it is very important to make sure I don't overdo the swirl on her hair (sometimes I do and let it go, but lately I've been trying to be more careful about it.) There are other characters with much swirlier hair, and I do not want to overdo it with her.

I spent so much time working on putting this website up that I don't feel like typing anymore! I had this picture up as the front page image for Dandepatch while I was trying desperately to start updating it again. Of course whenever I draw the character of Ash, it's me unconsciously expressing my desire to try out a new look for myself...